I broke this weekend.⠀
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It wasn’t just one thing, it was lots of things. Sadness over the state of our world. Grief over the loss of the summer I looked forward to. Anger and resentment over my growing to-do list. Shame over my inability to get it all done. Ultimately, all these feelings built up and glossed over into a shell of numbness that protected me from feeling anything for several weeks. I was able to function and go through the motions because, let’s be honest, that’s what moms do. Our babies need to be taken care of and we can’t just call out sick, especially right now. So I functioned and maintained, trying to ignore that all too familiar feeling of deep, low, numbness creeping in. ⠀
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But this weekend, that numbness shell broke open. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt panicked. I wanted to destroy things. My intrusive thoughts were on a rampage and it took me hours (and some Crisis Text Line counselor texting) to get me grounded again. ⠀
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I’m not okay. I’m feeling better now but I’m not okay. And that’s okay. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorder recovery is not linear. I’m in a low point now and I know it probably won’t be the last time. But I also know that I get stronger every time and learn to better recognize and acknowledge the signs ahead of time so I can take care of myself before it is a crisis.
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So I took myself to the beach today. It was a well-deserved and much-needed break after my own break. It’s hard to share this in this moment but I’m sharing in hopes that anyone else struggling right now knows you are not alone. It’s okay to be in the low points. We won’t be here forever.